Weird title I know. So why haven't I blogged this whole entire year? The real reason? Hang in... this is a long one and not all of it's pretty.
Honestly? Truthfully? I'm sure most of you that read this are very aware that last October my husband was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He is an AMAZING fighter and he was in remission by November and came through 8 rounds of chemo beautifully. In May he had a stem cell bone marrow transplant and is now about 120 days out. Throughout this process he has had the best attitude and has remained a great example of what it means to fight for your life with grace. He has trusted in and heard from God without fail and knows that other things are meant for him. If you want to know what God sounds like, he's happy to tell the story. This illness changed fundamental things about who he is and what he had planned for himself while not changing him at all. (Yes I know that makes no sense but trust me it's true. You can change and not change at the same time.) God indeed works in mysterious and amazing ways.
So back to the why the blog was no bueno part...
It was important for me to stay positive too through all this, but not always easy. We've gotten a lot of compliments on our upbeat attitude and positivity. So why not blog and share that with the world? Mostly, because sometimes I felt like the perpatrator of a great sham. Because at night when I would have time to type, I also had plenty of time to think about exactly how terrified I've been this whole time.... how cheated I felt to have FINALLY found the man I was meant to marry, to FINALLY have a daughter of my own and two step kids any parent would kill for, to FINALLY both have jobs we loved and then to be kicked in the teeth by stupid cancer. All of it was always so close to disappearing and sometimes it was HARD to be positive. So, I cried a lot, I tried to hide all my fears from Mark, and I prayed a lot - feeling that I must be a huge disappointment to God who devotes a fair amount of space in the Bible to overcoming fear and I seemed incapable of making that happen. I genuinely thought about blogging several times, but every thing I thought to type sounded bitter, or pitiful, or like pleas for attention. So instead, I saved those rants for just a few friends and spared the rest of you. I did my best to be positive and while I had my slips, believe me, as overemotional as I am, I still managed to hide most of my sheer panic from most people.
The truth is I hope we were and are an inspiration to others! Admitting to not being superwoman is not easy. It was important to me not to slip up if I could help it and to show people that you can keep moving when you need to. Mark really should be an inspiration to people for real...and I'd really like to be. But the truth is, being the caregiver is hard. REALLY REALLY hard. I thought I had an inkling as I'd done this once with my sister. And that was HARD but a different kind of hard than going through it with your spouse. The fear of being alone or losing your partner can be a special kind of crippling, especially with a small child. That part I did my best with as I could. The need to fix it and the desperate need to know everything about their care and at the same time the need to stay blissfully ignorant so you aren't scared pooless in front of them the whole time are always at war. So what do you do? You project.
I whined about my house instead of Mark's illness. I whined about paperwork instead of my fear. I covered. As a result, little things became great big things. Some people got it, some people thought I was nuts. And EVERY single time I took a minute to wallow about the cancer, I imagined I could FEEL people going, "Ugh. Enough of the depressing crap, we are over it so move along." and I'd hate myself for saying anything. (That still happens sometimes now by the way. Argh!)
What really got to me is what I'm dealing with now... Jamie completely disappeared. I'm sure other spouse caregivers can relate. Everyone asks about your spouse and you recount all of their updates and doctor's notes 50 times a day and you don't want to mind because you are so flattered to have so many people care. Really, honestly you're flattered and humbled and desperate for them to keep asking... but you're tired. When you have a one year old this problem is compounded by everyone immediately following up with asking about how she is taking all of this. About 1 in 10 to 1in 15 times someone has time to ask how you are doing. This is all perfectly normal and perfectly expected... ...but it's not easy.
Then there's the dwindling social life. People know how busy you are but you think and feel like they are just tired of hearing about one year olds and cancer and so you don't get invited to as much stuff. You realize most people aren't doing it on purpose but you see a genuine shift in your social calendar, real or imagined, and when you love to be social that's hard too. People joke less with you because they don't know yet if it's a good cancer day or a bad cancer day, and again, most of the time people do this without knowing.
You, as the caregiver, are invisible...or at least you begin to feel that way. And no one does it on purpose! Let me say that again. I know that no person or thing made me feel invisible on purpose... at all... period. The amazing people in our lives CARE so much and helped me SOOOOOO much!!! They didn't forget to ask about me, in all fairness I'm the least in the line up, and rightfully so, but after a year it has led to quite the identity crisis.
Identity crisis? Really? I know it seems far fetched but it's true. Ellie was 9 months old when Mark got sick. I'd barely adjusted to being a mom and was still accepting I wasn't the spoiled rotten princess anymore. The position had been filled. :) lol! But it progressively got worse as time went on. I stopped being Jamie in my own head and started being Ellie's mom and Mark's wife. Everytime I'd get passed over for a lunch invite or left out of a group activity, or people skipped asking Mark and I to join them out, I began to take it personally. I felt like I wasn't good enough anymore. I still feel that way for more reasons than one and they are all in my head... at least I hope they are. haha!
I haven't put on much weight this last year but my shape has changed and I feel awful all the time. My bad feet are limiting my workouts and I feel ugly and undesirable. I feel lost. Somewhere this year I finally realized that I'm not the cool, young, hip teacher anymore. I feel like I'm the crochety, middle aged teacher who puts up with less crap so the kids don't warm up to me in the same way with the same speed and that added to the hard. Again, my co-workers and students assure this is all in my head but I swear I feel a shift. I haven't had time or money for clothes, pedicures, the spa, or makeup not to mention the time or energy to eat well, so I feel run down and not very put together. So that will be what I work on in the next round of blogs and coming months. I can't fix Jamie until I know who the heck she is outside of being Ellie's mom and Mark's wife. I do know I'm not crazy about right now Jamie. I want to go back to not giving a rip who else liked me or if I was being included or left out. That is my challenge. That Jamie from a couple of years ago liked herself, felt good, and got stuff done. I miss her.
This wasn't an easy blog to write. It's hard to admit your shortcomings but I have high hopes that if I do it, I may help others who get where I'm coming from whether they are a caregiver or not. I am fine the way I am with room to be better than fine. My first mission is to say that until I remember it and maybe even believe it. :) I know Jamie is someone good to know, I just need to meet her again and introduce her to everyone else. In the meantime, I want to be healthier for Ellie so less stress (Yeah right... I teach high school but it's a lovely thought) and more veggies here I come!!! Thank you to all of you for your support this year. You have been wonderful and loved all over us and we could never say thank you enough!!! :) As always thanks for reading. :)
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
It's Not a Resolution
Hi everyone!!
So Mark and I were watching news shows and such on New Year's Day and saw the most interesting of ideas come across the screen. It discussed the idea of choosing a word that you will focus on for the year. You keep that word at the front of your thoughts as much as possible. Hang up pictures of it if you like. Instead of promising yourself you can do something in the form of a resolution you give yourself a direction.
Needless to say, I freakin LOVED this idea!!! No resolution I can screw up, but still a nice fresh focus for the year that makes no promises that I have to keep just something to keep my eye on. Did I say I loved this idea because I REALLY mean I love it. I can't wait to make myself some signs I can hang up to keep my focus!
So what word did I pick you ask? (What do you mean you didn't ask? Who cares, I'm telling you anyway so Nah!)
FAITH
Yup. Faith. Seems like such a simple word but I really need to focus on it! You see as a Type A worry wart my brain lives in worst case scenario mode and I'm always planning for 'when it doesn't work out' instead of believing with all my heart that it will. There are so many ways faith plays out in my life. Of course there's the obvious - working on my faith in God. I need to believe more fully that He knows the plans He has made for me and I need to quit freakin trying so hard to do it my way. But faith has so many places it needs to be directed. I need to have faith in myself. I am always second guessing my self-worth and my decisions and I really want to work on that. I need to believe I'm pretty awesome and that I can make the changes I want to make because I'm a tough cookie. Getting healthier takes faith in a plan. If I eliminate the bad and harness the good I have to believe that I can make these changes stick. I am grateful to have doctors for Mark that have never given us a reason not to have faith in them so I want to keep that belief that they are making the best decisions they can in regards to his care. It gives me a peace and makes me feel a lot better. And I really need to have faith that we can and will make it through the next 12 months and manage to keep the house, cars, and our amazing daycare. Here's why that's where I need the most faith:
Mark is doing AMAZINGLY well!!! But you can't just magic away A.L.L. It's a marathon and not a sprint and we are getting ready for the uphill leg. Mark will have to finish all 8 rounds of chemo before transplant. That means we are doing chemo until about April. I need to have faith that this is the course that will keep him on the road to permanent recovery. Once chemo is done, they will begin heavy contact and testing with the matches they've found and we will move into the transplant phase. I need to have faith that we will get that good match and get him through this process. Once he has had the transplant he will be in the hospital for about a month and then he'll have to live within five miles of Vandy for 100 days. 100 days. I need to have faith that I can get things under control enough by then that we can do without any secondary income for 6 months to a year. Right now that's not even kind of a possibility but I have to have faith that God will open a door and we will figure it out. I need to have faith that I can make a two household lifestyle work for us for that time period. I need to make this easy on my husband and easy on Ellie as much as I am able to. I need to have faith in my abilites to be tough about our budget. I have faith that God will heal Mark, now I just need to have faith in the process.
So the word of the day is faith people. If you see me losing it please set me straight! Hand me a little note with that word on it, break into a musical number, or something else if you can think of it. I can't tell all of you how much your support has meant to my little family through all of this! It's just been wonderful and awe inspiring. They say when you go through a crisis you find out who your friends are. I have to say that we have been on the positive side of that. We've had a few disappear but we have learned that we have more friends who we can lean on than we could have EVER imagined possible. I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to repay those kindnesses whenever I'm offered an opportunity within my means. Have faith in that! (you like what I did there?)
PS: Now in the meantime if any of you have an extra 25 grand laying around you won't ever need that I could use to pay off the cars, credit cards, etc so all I have left is the monthly bills and mortgage that would be awesome!! LOL!!! If only the dang stuff grew on trees right??
PSS: If you read all the times I typed faith in this blog and managed to not have the song by George Michael stuck in your head... you do now! Muahahahahaha! You're welcome!
Happy New Year!!!
So Mark and I were watching news shows and such on New Year's Day and saw the most interesting of ideas come across the screen. It discussed the idea of choosing a word that you will focus on for the year. You keep that word at the front of your thoughts as much as possible. Hang up pictures of it if you like. Instead of promising yourself you can do something in the form of a resolution you give yourself a direction.
Needless to say, I freakin LOVED this idea!!! No resolution I can screw up, but still a nice fresh focus for the year that makes no promises that I have to keep just something to keep my eye on. Did I say I loved this idea because I REALLY mean I love it. I can't wait to make myself some signs I can hang up to keep my focus!
So what word did I pick you ask? (What do you mean you didn't ask? Who cares, I'm telling you anyway so Nah!)
FAITH
Yup. Faith. Seems like such a simple word but I really need to focus on it! You see as a Type A worry wart my brain lives in worst case scenario mode and I'm always planning for 'when it doesn't work out' instead of believing with all my heart that it will. There are so many ways faith plays out in my life. Of course there's the obvious - working on my faith in God. I need to believe more fully that He knows the plans He has made for me and I need to quit freakin trying so hard to do it my way. But faith has so many places it needs to be directed. I need to have faith in myself. I am always second guessing my self-worth and my decisions and I really want to work on that. I need to believe I'm pretty awesome and that I can make the changes I want to make because I'm a tough cookie. Getting healthier takes faith in a plan. If I eliminate the bad and harness the good I have to believe that I can make these changes stick. I am grateful to have doctors for Mark that have never given us a reason not to have faith in them so I want to keep that belief that they are making the best decisions they can in regards to his care. It gives me a peace and makes me feel a lot better. And I really need to have faith that we can and will make it through the next 12 months and manage to keep the house, cars, and our amazing daycare. Here's why that's where I need the most faith:
Mark is doing AMAZINGLY well!!! But you can't just magic away A.L.L. It's a marathon and not a sprint and we are getting ready for the uphill leg. Mark will have to finish all 8 rounds of chemo before transplant. That means we are doing chemo until about April. I need to have faith that this is the course that will keep him on the road to permanent recovery. Once chemo is done, they will begin heavy contact and testing with the matches they've found and we will move into the transplant phase. I need to have faith that we will get that good match and get him through this process. Once he has had the transplant he will be in the hospital for about a month and then he'll have to live within five miles of Vandy for 100 days. 100 days. I need to have faith that I can get things under control enough by then that we can do without any secondary income for 6 months to a year. Right now that's not even kind of a possibility but I have to have faith that God will open a door and we will figure it out. I need to have faith that I can make a two household lifestyle work for us for that time period. I need to make this easy on my husband and easy on Ellie as much as I am able to. I need to have faith in my abilites to be tough about our budget. I have faith that God will heal Mark, now I just need to have faith in the process.
So the word of the day is faith people. If you see me losing it please set me straight! Hand me a little note with that word on it, break into a musical number, or something else if you can think of it. I can't tell all of you how much your support has meant to my little family through all of this! It's just been wonderful and awe inspiring. They say when you go through a crisis you find out who your friends are. I have to say that we have been on the positive side of that. We've had a few disappear but we have learned that we have more friends who we can lean on than we could have EVER imagined possible. I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to repay those kindnesses whenever I'm offered an opportunity within my means. Have faith in that! (you like what I did there?)
PS: Now in the meantime if any of you have an extra 25 grand laying around you won't ever need that I could use to pay off the cars, credit cards, etc so all I have left is the monthly bills and mortgage that would be awesome!! LOL!!! If only the dang stuff grew on trees right??
PSS: If you read all the times I typed faith in this blog and managed to not have the song by George Michael stuck in your head... you do now! Muahahahahaha! You're welcome!
Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I'm back in time for Christmas!!
Greetings!
Remember me! I used to blog a lot! It's been a rough couple of months and while I've put on a smiling face for most people, the truth is I was afraid to blog. You see I waited 32 years to find Mr. Wright and we've had four wonderful years together. He was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and he's doing AMAZING but I tend to have pity parties when I'm off by myself typing and I didn't want this blog to turn into that. We are so blessed!!! We've had so much help financially, spiritually, and emotionally but I still have off days. Days I'm mad that we are spending our third year of marriage and our daughter's first year fighting an illness that no one should have to deal with. Cancer blows. But Mark knows in his heart that God has plans for him and they are long term plans. They've been chatting you see, so I am hanging on to the fact that this is just an ugly bump in the road that's meant to teach us to appreciate each other more.
Now all that being said: the diet and financial makeover this blog was started to document were blown all to hell. (Please pardon the expression) Every pound Mark has lost, I've found. Urg. and let's not talk about finances until some other day. I want this first one back to be upbeat! LOL!!
So now that I've updated you let's get around to today's lesson shall we.
I want to get back to this blog and back to me. Mark is fighting the battle of his life so the least I can do is try to get healthy along side him right? And I want to take good care of Ellie which brings me to my most recent ponderance. This one deals with my mental health. Here it is:
I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over the past weeks because of all the ways I'm not an awesome mom.
Ellie's first year is drawing to a close. She will be 11 months old on Christmas. She has only had one pro photo shoot (I've shamelessly forced Aunt Lu to do the rest pro bono), her baby book isn't filled out all the way, I didn't send fancy baby announcements (just thank you cards with her pic since she was early), I did not do a single Christmas card this year let alone one heralding our little angels first Christmas, I did not manage to find that perfect Christmas stocking she can hang every year her whole life just like mine, there will not be mountains of gifts under the tree (in fact she only has a few-a couple big and a couple little), and the list goes on and on and on all the way down to the bottom where I lament that she only has about 3 pairs of shoes that fit currently (nevermind that she can't walk yet). Anyone else get where this is going...
Never fear friends!!! I did figure it out and it boils right down to the real meaning of Christmas!!!
You see, I thought a little more and realized she's fed, clothed, has a huge family (both blood related and adopted family) that loves her, she's generally clean, she's at church every time we are as some habits should start early, we willingly drive a few extra miles each day to take her to the best day care on the planet, and she's loved more than words could EVER say. Hmm... Maybe I'm not a bad mom after all and the only screw up I've made is worrying about not being able to keep up with the Jones'. Why do we worry about that anyway? Who are these illusive Jones people? The families I know with that last name don't demand I put on a fancy show of wealth and status for them. So why do I keep worrying that I haven't done all the right things to make her childhood perfect?? I HAVE NO IDEA!!
In fact, I should be a little ashamed. I have forgotten what's truly important: The reason for the season was born in a dirty barn surrounded by farm animals and all that comes with them after his dirt poor parents were turned away from a local inn. He didn't have fancy clothes or all the right toys. And since He grew up to save all mankind I'd say HE didn't turn out so bad:) So there's hope for Ellie yet!! :)
So my plan is to enjoy this Christmas!!! It will be perfect just as it is because it will be perfectly full of memories flawed or not that are all ours and full of love for a special little girl, her wonderful siblings, and our great big wacky family!!! Forget the other stuff!!
Tune in next time as I really plan to stick with this again!!
Remember me! I used to blog a lot! It's been a rough couple of months and while I've put on a smiling face for most people, the truth is I was afraid to blog. You see I waited 32 years to find Mr. Wright and we've had four wonderful years together. He was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and he's doing AMAZING but I tend to have pity parties when I'm off by myself typing and I didn't want this blog to turn into that. We are so blessed!!! We've had so much help financially, spiritually, and emotionally but I still have off days. Days I'm mad that we are spending our third year of marriage and our daughter's first year fighting an illness that no one should have to deal with. Cancer blows. But Mark knows in his heart that God has plans for him and they are long term plans. They've been chatting you see, so I am hanging on to the fact that this is just an ugly bump in the road that's meant to teach us to appreciate each other more.
Now all that being said: the diet and financial makeover this blog was started to document were blown all to hell. (Please pardon the expression) Every pound Mark has lost, I've found. Urg. and let's not talk about finances until some other day. I want this first one back to be upbeat! LOL!!
So now that I've updated you let's get around to today's lesson shall we.
I want to get back to this blog and back to me. Mark is fighting the battle of his life so the least I can do is try to get healthy along side him right? And I want to take good care of Ellie which brings me to my most recent ponderance. This one deals with my mental health. Here it is:
I've spent a lot of time beating myself up over the past weeks because of all the ways I'm not an awesome mom.
Ellie's first year is drawing to a close. She will be 11 months old on Christmas. She has only had one pro photo shoot (I've shamelessly forced Aunt Lu to do the rest pro bono), her baby book isn't filled out all the way, I didn't send fancy baby announcements (just thank you cards with her pic since she was early), I did not do a single Christmas card this year let alone one heralding our little angels first Christmas, I did not manage to find that perfect Christmas stocking she can hang every year her whole life just like mine, there will not be mountains of gifts under the tree (in fact she only has a few-a couple big and a couple little), and the list goes on and on and on all the way down to the bottom where I lament that she only has about 3 pairs of shoes that fit currently (nevermind that she can't walk yet). Anyone else get where this is going...
Never fear friends!!! I did figure it out and it boils right down to the real meaning of Christmas!!!
You see, I thought a little more and realized she's fed, clothed, has a huge family (both blood related and adopted family) that loves her, she's generally clean, she's at church every time we are as some habits should start early, we willingly drive a few extra miles each day to take her to the best day care on the planet, and she's loved more than words could EVER say. Hmm... Maybe I'm not a bad mom after all and the only screw up I've made is worrying about not being able to keep up with the Jones'. Why do we worry about that anyway? Who are these illusive Jones people? The families I know with that last name don't demand I put on a fancy show of wealth and status for them. So why do I keep worrying that I haven't done all the right things to make her childhood perfect?? I HAVE NO IDEA!!
In fact, I should be a little ashamed. I have forgotten what's truly important: The reason for the season was born in a dirty barn surrounded by farm animals and all that comes with them after his dirt poor parents were turned away from a local inn. He didn't have fancy clothes or all the right toys. And since He grew up to save all mankind I'd say HE didn't turn out so bad:) So there's hope for Ellie yet!! :)
So my plan is to enjoy this Christmas!!! It will be perfect just as it is because it will be perfectly full of memories flawed or not that are all ours and full of love for a special little girl, her wonderful siblings, and our great big wacky family!!! Forget the other stuff!!
Tune in next time as I really plan to stick with this again!!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Finding Balance
Greetings gang!!
I apologize for being out of the loop for a bit! I took a little time off to think and reorganize us a little mentally, so I can focus on the important things in life like Ellie and providing a healthy home for her and making sure we have time for ourselves and people we care about.
After my recent freak out about not having time to spend with Ellie, I'm trying to find balance. Until football season is over, I need to find more I can do with her physically at home to exercise. We've been up and playing or playing on the floor much more actively so Mommy gets a work out as well but it's not quite enough yet. Now that she's sitting up contentedly and entertaining herself I want to try going back to my elliptical and videos more often. After football... I want some gym time. And maybe I can get the now slightly fizzled Knights Athletic Club back up and running. I think I will feel less guilty with Mark home with Ellie. I just want her to be with a parent. True, I want to be with her AS MUCH as possible but I'll take me time much easier if Daddy has her. Not to mention, he won't have my after school madness so he can leave right away to get her. Translation... cut out my meetings and travel time during the worst times of day to get across town and I'll have exactly the same amount of time I do now with Ellie at home. Who knows, it might be more! :)
And while I'm still working on figuring out what works for me, I still feel a lot better and Mark has lost over 25 pounds!!! (I kind of hate him a little.. how come boys can lose weight so fast?? LOL!!!) Seriously... I'm SOOOOOOOO proud of him!
Now the other part of balance. I've been griping constantly about not having time with Ellie and I think I've confused people. I still want to be a normal girl. I've felt left out a few times lately or been very jealous of girls days out. And so I voiced upset about getting my feelings hurt in a particular instance to an uninvolved friend, who then suggested that maybe the leaver outterer in question just thought I'd want more time with Ellie since that's all I've talked about lately making me think the whole thing was really my fault. So I have to find a better balance. I have to be able to spend time with Ellie and take at least tiny bits of time for me every once in awhile. I still need girl time and Mark and I still need at least a little grown up time. I just hope I can figure out how to balance my tone in time to prevent our elimination from all the holiday party lists. LOL! Just another first time mom conundrum.
So peeps - what do you do to find balance wherever you are in your life right now?
I apologize for being out of the loop for a bit! I took a little time off to think and reorganize us a little mentally, so I can focus on the important things in life like Ellie and providing a healthy home for her and making sure we have time for ourselves and people we care about.
After my recent freak out about not having time to spend with Ellie, I'm trying to find balance. Until football season is over, I need to find more I can do with her physically at home to exercise. We've been up and playing or playing on the floor much more actively so Mommy gets a work out as well but it's not quite enough yet. Now that she's sitting up contentedly and entertaining herself I want to try going back to my elliptical and videos more often. After football... I want some gym time. And maybe I can get the now slightly fizzled Knights Athletic Club back up and running. I think I will feel less guilty with Mark home with Ellie. I just want her to be with a parent. True, I want to be with her AS MUCH as possible but I'll take me time much easier if Daddy has her. Not to mention, he won't have my after school madness so he can leave right away to get her. Translation... cut out my meetings and travel time during the worst times of day to get across town and I'll have exactly the same amount of time I do now with Ellie at home. Who knows, it might be more! :)
And while I'm still working on figuring out what works for me, I still feel a lot better and Mark has lost over 25 pounds!!! (I kind of hate him a little.. how come boys can lose weight so fast?? LOL!!!) Seriously... I'm SOOOOOOOO proud of him!
Now the other part of balance. I've been griping constantly about not having time with Ellie and I think I've confused people. I still want to be a normal girl. I've felt left out a few times lately or been very jealous of girls days out. And so I voiced upset about getting my feelings hurt in a particular instance to an uninvolved friend, who then suggested that maybe the leaver outterer in question just thought I'd want more time with Ellie since that's all I've talked about lately making me think the whole thing was really my fault. So I have to find a better balance. I have to be able to spend time with Ellie and take at least tiny bits of time for me every once in awhile. I still need girl time and Mark and I still need at least a little grown up time. I just hope I can figure out how to balance my tone in time to prevent our elimination from all the holiday party lists. LOL! Just another first time mom conundrum.
So peeps - what do you do to find balance wherever you are in your life right now?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Fat and Happy Trumps Skinny and Stressed
Hello gang!
Well I took everyone's advive and stayed a few times for workouts at school or at therapy. When finishing I would feel better for sure!! However...
Yup. Here it comes. I'm going to stop staying after school. Go ahead...reel at me in outrage. I've got a plan and I'll get to it. Stand by.
Today we had zumba and then yoga. Both were awesome. By the time I got ready to leave I was feeling relaxed and at ease. ...aaaaaaand then I saw my watch! Holy crap it's 4pm! So I headed out ASAP. Traffic in Clarksville is awful on a good day at an odd hour. But 4pm on a weekday... RIDICULOUS, especially with our never ending road issues. Today there were issues everywhere so all three routes to my daughter's daycare were jam packed. It took me nearly an HOUR to get there. A FREAKING HOUR!!!!
By the time I finally arrived I was bawling and all that relaxing was for naught. My back was in knots, my head hurt, and all I wanted was Ellie. I charged into her room at daycare, scooped her up, and just stood there hoping Ms. Eden wouldn't think I'd lost my mind. She and her assistant for the afternoon assured me that they think I'm awesome and informed me that my daughter is an angel like no other and they'd love a roomful of her. I put her in her car seat and off we went. Another hour later and we were finally home and I was in more knots from all the time we'd lost while being stuck in the stupid car. Thankfully she cheered me up by being all smiles and playing for a bit before bananas, bath, and bedtime.
I CANNOT continue to leave school that late as long as we are committed to leaving Ellie where she is at. I am going to have a stroke if I have too many more days like this one. I was miserable for two hours trying to get my beautiful angel home and have a teeny bit of time with her.
So what's the solution? Well I have a perfectly good eliptical, a nice neighborhood for walks, and a million wii workout games/videos. I will start working out with Ellie when I get home. I know this will be hard for me as there's no accountabilty at the house but I have to do this. I literally was so stressed today I made myself sick and this is far from the first time that's happened in the last couple of weeks. I won't feel guilty about the boys being in their kennels extra time and I may actually find time to fold laundry or dust something when I can stop beating myself up for not having Ellie time. To tell you how deprived I've felt lately, the kid is currently asleep across me and I'm typing around her. I call it mommy multitasking and that's what workouts will have to be too!
And before anyone asks... we have considered and are considering other care options for Ellie that are closer to work. But if you've never been to the Giving Tree there is NO PLACE like it. Ellie is so happy with Diane and Eden so while we have one or two places that at least are competitive with the Tree awesomeness, they don't have openings and I WILL NOT take my daughter away from caregivers that have become like family unless I see a place we may be able to repeat that connection.
So there it is. I'm a big fat quitter and I'm ok with it. Now I'm on my own. Here we go!
Well I took everyone's advive and stayed a few times for workouts at school or at therapy. When finishing I would feel better for sure!! However...
Yup. Here it comes. I'm going to stop staying after school. Go ahead...reel at me in outrage. I've got a plan and I'll get to it. Stand by.
Today we had zumba and then yoga. Both were awesome. By the time I got ready to leave I was feeling relaxed and at ease. ...aaaaaaand then I saw my watch! Holy crap it's 4pm! So I headed out ASAP. Traffic in Clarksville is awful on a good day at an odd hour. But 4pm on a weekday... RIDICULOUS, especially with our never ending road issues. Today there were issues everywhere so all three routes to my daughter's daycare were jam packed. It took me nearly an HOUR to get there. A FREAKING HOUR!!!!
By the time I finally arrived I was bawling and all that relaxing was for naught. My back was in knots, my head hurt, and all I wanted was Ellie. I charged into her room at daycare, scooped her up, and just stood there hoping Ms. Eden wouldn't think I'd lost my mind. She and her assistant for the afternoon assured me that they think I'm awesome and informed me that my daughter is an angel like no other and they'd love a roomful of her. I put her in her car seat and off we went. Another hour later and we were finally home and I was in more knots from all the time we'd lost while being stuck in the stupid car. Thankfully she cheered me up by being all smiles and playing for a bit before bananas, bath, and bedtime.
I CANNOT continue to leave school that late as long as we are committed to leaving Ellie where she is at. I am going to have a stroke if I have too many more days like this one. I was miserable for two hours trying to get my beautiful angel home and have a teeny bit of time with her.
So what's the solution? Well I have a perfectly good eliptical, a nice neighborhood for walks, and a million wii workout games/videos. I will start working out with Ellie when I get home. I know this will be hard for me as there's no accountabilty at the house but I have to do this. I literally was so stressed today I made myself sick and this is far from the first time that's happened in the last couple of weeks. I won't feel guilty about the boys being in their kennels extra time and I may actually find time to fold laundry or dust something when I can stop beating myself up for not having Ellie time. To tell you how deprived I've felt lately, the kid is currently asleep across me and I'm typing around her. I call it mommy multitasking and that's what workouts will have to be too!
And before anyone asks... we have considered and are considering other care options for Ellie that are closer to work. But if you've never been to the Giving Tree there is NO PLACE like it. Ellie is so happy with Diane and Eden so while we have one or two places that at least are competitive with the Tree awesomeness, they don't have openings and I WILL NOT take my daughter away from caregivers that have become like family unless I see a place we may be able to repeat that connection.
So there it is. I'm a big fat quitter and I'm ok with it. Now I'm on my own. Here we go!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A Conundrum
Long Time No See!!!
I know... I'm a week behind! But we are back at work and I haven't had two seconds in a row that I haven't hogged for Ellie. Speaking of which, she's about konked out so I'm going to keep this short. I have night time cuddles to nab.
As school has started I'm eating very well as I don't have time to eat crap. In fact I don't have time for anything. There in lies the conundrum. What do I give up?
Clearly Ellie is NOT an option. My mom guilt is killing me slowly and painfully. If we don't work there's no house, no cars, no food, and no insurance (what little good it does me...grrrr). I realize that's just stuff but it's REALLY important stuff. It's the we'd prefer not to raise our daughter in a cardboard box under the interstate kinda stuff. But not seeing her for 8-10 hours a day is TORTURE! As soon as I leave school all I want is to have Ellie and not put her down. Poor thing is never going to learn to crawl if I don't get myself under control. But there's so much going on. So find me a solution to this one:
We've started the Knights Athletic Club and I'm so excited about it but I haven't been able to go yet. Monday Ellie had a check up and today I had SGA and a Physical Therapy appointment. Tomorrow I can stay but then I wouldn't leave school until 4, we wouldn't get home from me picking her up until 5, and we'd have to leave so I could drop her off at 5:30 at Bridget's so I can go to our finance class. We won't get done until about 8 and then she'll be asleep. Thursday I have faculty meeting and then physical therapy so I won't get Ellie until at least 5pm. I feel like I'm losing all of my time with her. I don't want to work out tomorrow!!! I want to take the only day I can leave on time this week, race to daycare, and get her as fast as possible so I get a few hours of actual play time before she's sound asleep. So where's the balance? What do I do???
Sure, once school gets going things will even out a little... I hope. But I have 5.5 weeks to get ready for homecoming. So it's still going to be busy for awhile. And this week we are supposed to do the meet and greet at church with people interested in small groups. We are to begin leading one in just a couple of weeks so that's ANOTHER night with no Ellie if we start it. Not to mention that I'll have to get her, get home, get her to a sitter, get the house prepared each week, and get dinner set out because of poor Mark has at least another 12 weeks of football practice.
So do I go with my gut and put off the everyday workouts a little longer until things even out and go get my girl or do I stay and exercise? Do we go ahead and do the small group because it helps our church and provides us a community at church or do we stay just us a bit longer? For me it's Ellie and Mark EVERY SINGLE time. I DO NOT want to stay late and work out tomorrow. I do not want to give up anymore nights with my family. But how will I ever get in better shape physically or spiritually? So there you go folks. This week's conundrum. Aaaaaand... go.
I know... I'm a week behind! But we are back at work and I haven't had two seconds in a row that I haven't hogged for Ellie. Speaking of which, she's about konked out so I'm going to keep this short. I have night time cuddles to nab.
As school has started I'm eating very well as I don't have time to eat crap. In fact I don't have time for anything. There in lies the conundrum. What do I give up?
Clearly Ellie is NOT an option. My mom guilt is killing me slowly and painfully. If we don't work there's no house, no cars, no food, and no insurance (what little good it does me...grrrr). I realize that's just stuff but it's REALLY important stuff. It's the we'd prefer not to raise our daughter in a cardboard box under the interstate kinda stuff. But not seeing her for 8-10 hours a day is TORTURE! As soon as I leave school all I want is to have Ellie and not put her down. Poor thing is never going to learn to crawl if I don't get myself under control. But there's so much going on. So find me a solution to this one:
We've started the Knights Athletic Club and I'm so excited about it but I haven't been able to go yet. Monday Ellie had a check up and today I had SGA and a Physical Therapy appointment. Tomorrow I can stay but then I wouldn't leave school until 4, we wouldn't get home from me picking her up until 5, and we'd have to leave so I could drop her off at 5:30 at Bridget's so I can go to our finance class. We won't get done until about 8 and then she'll be asleep. Thursday I have faculty meeting and then physical therapy so I won't get Ellie until at least 5pm. I feel like I'm losing all of my time with her. I don't want to work out tomorrow!!! I want to take the only day I can leave on time this week, race to daycare, and get her as fast as possible so I get a few hours of actual play time before she's sound asleep. So where's the balance? What do I do???
Sure, once school gets going things will even out a little... I hope. But I have 5.5 weeks to get ready for homecoming. So it's still going to be busy for awhile. And this week we are supposed to do the meet and greet at church with people interested in small groups. We are to begin leading one in just a couple of weeks so that's ANOTHER night with no Ellie if we start it. Not to mention that I'll have to get her, get home, get her to a sitter, get the house prepared each week, and get dinner set out because of poor Mark has at least another 12 weeks of football practice.
So do I go with my gut and put off the everyday workouts a little longer until things even out and go get my girl or do I stay and exercise? Do we go ahead and do the small group because it helps our church and provides us a community at church or do we stay just us a bit longer? For me it's Ellie and Mark EVERY SINGLE time. I DO NOT want to stay late and work out tomorrow. I do not want to give up anymore nights with my family. But how will I ever get in better shape physically or spiritually? So there you go folks. This week's conundrum. Aaaaaand... go.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Knights Athletic Club
What's up peeps!!
I'm so excited!!!!! Wanna know why? No? Too bad... I'm tellin ya anyway! If you weren't curious you shouldn't have opened the blog. Muahahahaha! (that's my typed evil laugh... I love it and probably overuse it in emails and facebook posts but I can't help it.)
So after being very, VERY disappointed in my weight after all the changes we've made to our eating, I told you I wanted to start a group at school to work out and be accountable to each other. I figure more moving=weight loss. I talked with some other teachers, sent out a school wide email, and.... the response was crazy!!! People are very excited about our game plan!
Here's our schedule:
Monday - Yoga (taught by one of my fellow faculty members)
Tuesday - Walking - laps in the building
Wednesday - Zumba (and other fitness videos as we need a change)
Thursday - Walking or short videos after faculty meeting
Friday - Greenway walking if weather allows.
Brilliant elements of the plan:
1. The club will meet in my room so I can't possibly avoid being there!!!
2. We have something going EVERY day! Meetings and other malarkey can't be an excuse!!
3. Yoga and Zumba are FUN so getting started will be easier because I want to do it!
4. By not joining an overcrowded gym like the Clarksville Athletic Club, and working out with friends, I will seriously limit the number of people who will see me embarrassing the crap out of myself! And furthermore, since they're friends, if they laugh at me I can point and laugh right back and that makes it more fun because we're all relaxed and having a good time getting healthier!!!
We don't start for another week so it will be a bit before I can tell you how it's going. So next week's blog will likely be focused on eating and money. If the government doesn't get their act together it may just be a list of all the stuff we're selling! LOL!! Seven weeks with NO SIGN of unemployment!! Really!?!?! Thank heavens we are back to real checks for next months bills! So proud of Mark by the way! He's doing a great job at school and fitting in really well. :)
Ok... until next time!
I'm so excited!!!!! Wanna know why? No? Too bad... I'm tellin ya anyway! If you weren't curious you shouldn't have opened the blog. Muahahahaha! (that's my typed evil laugh... I love it and probably overuse it in emails and facebook posts but I can't help it.)
So after being very, VERY disappointed in my weight after all the changes we've made to our eating, I told you I wanted to start a group at school to work out and be accountable to each other. I figure more moving=weight loss. I talked with some other teachers, sent out a school wide email, and.... the response was crazy!!! People are very excited about our game plan!
Here's our schedule:
Monday - Yoga (taught by one of my fellow faculty members)
Tuesday - Walking - laps in the building
Wednesday - Zumba (and other fitness videos as we need a change)
Thursday - Walking or short videos after faculty meeting
Friday - Greenway walking if weather allows.
Brilliant elements of the plan:
1. The club will meet in my room so I can't possibly avoid being there!!!
2. We have something going EVERY day! Meetings and other malarkey can't be an excuse!!
3. Yoga and Zumba are FUN so getting started will be easier because I want to do it!
4. By not joining an overcrowded gym like the Clarksville Athletic Club, and working out with friends, I will seriously limit the number of people who will see me embarrassing the crap out of myself! And furthermore, since they're friends, if they laugh at me I can point and laugh right back and that makes it more fun because we're all relaxed and having a good time getting healthier!!!
We don't start for another week so it will be a bit before I can tell you how it's going. So next week's blog will likely be focused on eating and money. If the government doesn't get their act together it may just be a list of all the stuff we're selling! LOL!! Seven weeks with NO SIGN of unemployment!! Really!?!?! Thank heavens we are back to real checks for next months bills! So proud of Mark by the way! He's doing a great job at school and fitting in really well. :)
Ok... until next time!
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