So Mark and I were watching news shows and such on New Year's Day and saw the most interesting of ideas come across the screen. It discussed the idea of choosing a word that you will focus on for the year. You keep that word at the front of your thoughts as much as possible. Hang up pictures of it if you like. Instead of promising yourself you can do something in the form of a resolution you give yourself a direction.
Needless to say, I freakin LOVED this idea!!! No resolution I can screw up, but still a nice fresh focus for the year that makes no promises that I have to keep just something to keep my eye on. Did I say I loved this idea because I REALLY mean I love it. I can't wait to make myself some signs I can hang up to keep my focus!
So what word did I pick you ask? (What do you mean you didn't ask? Who cares, I'm telling you anyway so Nah!)
Yup. Faith. Seems like such a simple word but I really need to focus on it! You see as a Type A worry wart my brain lives in worst case scenario mode and I'm always planning for 'when it doesn't work out' instead of believing with all my heart that it will. There are so many ways faith plays out in my life. Of course there's the obvious - working on my faith in God. I need to believe more fully that He knows the plans He has made for me and I need to quit freakin trying so hard to do it my way. But faith has so many places it needs to be directed. I need to have faith in myself. I am always second guessing my self-worth and my decisions and I really want to work on that. I need to believe I'm pretty awesome and that I can make the changes I want to make because I'm a tough cookie. Getting healthier takes faith in a plan. If I eliminate the bad and harness the good I have to believe that I can make these changes stick. I am grateful to have doctors for Mark that have never given us a reason not to have faith in them so I want to keep that belief that they are making the best decisions they can in regards to his care. It gives me a peace and makes me feel a lot better. And I really need to have faith that we can and will make it through the next 12 months and manage to keep the house, cars, and our amazing daycare. Here's why that's where I need the most faith:
Mark is doing AMAZINGLY well!!! But you can't just magic away A.L.L. It's a marathon and not a sprint and we are getting ready for the uphill leg. Mark will have to finish all 8 rounds of chemo before transplant. That means we are doing chemo until about April. I need to have faith that this is the course that will keep him on the road to permanent recovery. Once chemo is done, they will begin heavy contact and testing with the matches they've found and we will move into the transplant phase. I need to have faith that we will get that good match and get him through this process. Once he has had the transplant he will be in the hospital for about a month and then he'll have to live within five miles of Vandy for 100 days. 100 days. I need to have faith that I can get things under control enough by then that we can do without any secondary income for 6 months to a year. Right now that's not even kind of a possibility but I have to have faith that God will open a door and we will figure it out. I need to have faith that I can make a two household lifestyle work for us for that time period. I need to make this easy on my husband and easy on Ellie as much as I am able to. I need to have faith in my abilites to be tough about our budget. I have faith that God will heal Mark, now I just need to have faith in the process.
So the word of the day is faith people. If you see me losing it please set me straight! Hand me a little note with that word on it, break into a musical number, or something else if you can think of it. I can't tell all of you how much your support has meant to my little family through all of this! It's just been wonderful and awe inspiring. They say when you go through a crisis you find out who your friends are. I have to say that we have been on the positive side of that. We've had a few disappear but we have learned that we have more friends who we can lean on than we could have EVER imagined possible. I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to repay those kindnesses whenever I'm offered an opportunity within my means. Have faith in that! (you like what I did there?)
PS: Now in the meantime if any of you have an extra 25 grand laying around you won't ever need that I could use to pay off the cars, credit cards, etc so all I have left is the monthly bills and mortgage that would be awesome!! LOL!!! If only the dang stuff grew on trees right??
PSS: If you read all the times I typed faith in this blog and managed to not have the song by George Michael stuck in your head... you do now! Muahahahahaha! You're welcome!
Happy New Year!!!