It's That Time...

Statistically this is the worst time of year for depression in average citizens. Blue Monday is coming at us and the holiday season is behind.  Anxiety and depression are no joke. I've battled them my whole life and for the most part I keep their head rearings to a minimum. In fact, I can count the times I've miserably failed at this to the point of losing the humor that makes me me. I have been sensing myself on the verge of another for some time. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of. It just happens when life piles a ton on you at one time. When I was a kid it was the typical teenage teasing about things like my weight, or my clothes, my hair, or my clumsiness that drove me there.  At that age you want so desperately to feel accepted and it's gutting when you don't.  But lately I've felt a bit more like my adult life is stuck in high school too. No no...Not the one I teach at. I love my job! It's just life has felt very high schoolish lately. I've felt unpopular, unwanted, unneeded, unpretty, and all those other un's that plagued me so much as a kid. Mark has seen me get mentally beaten up and then beat myself up because of this and bless him he's kept my head above water. It's important not to sweep our struggles under the rug. I tried to desperately when Mark was ill and I ended projecting my anger and frustrations in other areas of my life. So this time I've leaned on my husband and that's ok. He reminds me all the time that's how this is supposed to work. It's nice to feel like a team and it's nice to be supported, hugged, loved, and on occasion put in my place. He's reminded me that Ellie hears everything and that I don't want her to grow up thinking it's ok to speak poorly of yourself so I have to stop beating myself up out loud. So if you or someone you love is struggling then find that person you can lean on or be that person for someone else.  Stop speaking badly of yourself. All that does is convince you you aren't worth the trouble. And for heaven sakes pray. Because even though I have an awesome husband and a great support system, God ultimately always needs to be who I turn to before the world begins to right itself. It's in Him I learn that I can do things on my own and it's ok. I can shove away all the frustrations of the people, cliques, squads, pay for play over play for heart groups, and the scale that I have let make me feel inferior or unwanted or overlooked in the past few months. It is a beautiful thing to be finally ok enough to move on in your own skin and maybe someday I'll be there. I finally feel ready to ease in that direction again. In the meantime I'm going to stay home more, enjoy my family more, sing more just for Mark and Ellie and my God because their opinions are the only ones that really matter anyway. This is hard. This sucks. Choosing to be happy is more of a battle than some might imagine. For those of us that struggle it's not that we don't want to it's that our fears fight us every step of the way. But I'll get there. And so can you if you have similar struggles. I only hope that saying all this out loud helps someone else know to hang in there. We all have periods of struggle we have to work through. Ok is out there and so many of us are chasing it. Maybe someday we will even get past that to really awesome:)